Two Scoops and A Quiet Corner Booth

Live with no regrets, they say.  Is that even possible?  I dare to think that those who profess such are lying to themselves.  You live with regrets until you can honestly, or logically define the, 'what the hell just happened here?' question.  In the meantime, and in between time, every actor in your mental play deserves, at minimum, a punch in the face, followed by your disoriented celebratory dance; like Ali, when he landed the knockout.  You win the fight, but the battle left you beat up, and just outright ugly.  Then you have to deal with ugly.  Ugly can take days, weeks, or try 8 months to dissipate; and, it's still work, because you have to spend time reminding everyone who cares to ask of your bruises, "but I kicked his ass".  Yeah, okay.  I'll save face, take the ice cream for $350 Alex, and find myself a nice place to resolve this in my own heart, though it be in pieces.

Taking the ice cream means that time is given to think things through; to pull yourself together.  Two or three scoops should do it, but if you don't take the ice cream, you'll do something stupid that, even Ben and Jerry can't save you on.  You get your heart broken and you lay in wait, nursing those pieces until an opportunity comes to level the playing field.  Not only are you about to make a more grave decision, but you're willing to risk some things to bring it to fruition.  In your mind, this is the 'punch to the face' that exceeds all punches.  They won't feel it, but because it happened, you're all happy and shit....for the first 3 minutes.  Then reality sets in....never before your STUPID move, but shortly, thereafter.  Your marbles are all scattered now; you scramble to pick them up, each time dropping a few more, and you realize that, you just broke your own heart.  You managed to shatter the broken pieces even more.  Why couldn't you just have the ice cream?

Then, you start to involve folks who have no clue of what they're involved in.  They have no idea they're doing a cameo in your badly staged play.  On the surface, you probably like them, wouldn't want any harm to come to them, but their ignorance of your shattered heart syndrome makes them a likely candidate to fulfill your mission.  You know that, if you told the whole truth, they'd tell you to eat the ice cream; so, you leave them in the blind.  This is about playing the dirty hand you were dealt, and you need a partner.  These are dangerous waters to sail, but when you're not thinking with a clear head, you really don't care.  You put it in motion, and let the chips fall where they may.

Emotional decisions will never be a friend.  Trying to be someone you're not, is not a good look, either.  When you are just so sure you have something to prove, sit with the ice cream....please.  Pain goes away, but you can end up with double for your trouble, when you compound it with regrettable decisions.  Regrets come to show us that we ARE the common denominators in the great scheme of things. We are, if you will, our own worst enemy, when we refuse to take life's counsel and just let things be.  Must we live with them?  Nope, but we must resolve them, or they become our lives.

I'll probably have some ice cream every day this week....I threw my punching gloves in the trash.

What I've Learned @ 50....point 3

Haven't blogged since Mom passed, and I feel as though I could write a book, or three, just about the past almost 3 years.  I tell myself that I've gone through the 5 stages of grief; and, on most days, I even believe that...until.

Until you wake up one morning, facing a monster that, had the idea of your Mom being a phone call away been an option, you'd kick his ass....but you don't, and you may believe that you can't....until you remember what she taught you about fighting monsters.  Theszeyz - 1, Monster - 0

Until you are faced with a fear that threatens to choke the ever-loving peace from your life.  A fear of losing, or having to give back that which couldn't possibly be yours.  It's not yours because it is robbing you of every good thing you know about yourself, real or sought-after.  It's not yours because, as faithful as you are, you understand that a Sovereign God only gives what is best for you; and try as you might, if it's not working out, it's not best for you.  Until you realize that your fear, while choking you, is building a monster....whose ass you'll have to kick down the road, you'll suffer.  Until you answer the question, 'what would you do if you were not afraid?'  TheszEyz - 1, Fear - 0

What I've learned at 50 is that, I will start over.  I will start over before I allow anyone to steal my happiness; before they can rule me with the power of fear.  Fear is a terrible ruler, and not one thing, including the intangible, is worthy of being led by it.

For the past six months, I lived in fear.  Fear of my own well-being.  As if, people, places or things made my decisions, and I was merely the puppet following them.  No one who knows me, dead or alive, would think that I could handle six months of that; but somewhere, between the life and death of my Mother, I softened in places where remaining hard was the call.  Some may call it humility of spirit, the virtue of patience, or empty hope; yet, by all considerations, to me, it was fear.  Here I stood, allowing someone to speak to me as if I were a child; something, even my Mother refrained from, prior to age 21.  I had proven myself an adult, and she respected me as such.  Here I stood, allowing someone to diminish my knowledge, my common sense, and the wherewithal to know that I could do better....I must do better.  Here I stood, everyday, for six months, trying to prove myself over and over again, to people who held such little respect for me that, the only time they spoke to me, was to bring negative news.  What the what???!!!

Oh, but one day, you get your dithers about you, and you realize that, these same people are dealing with you from the substance of their own fears.  They're empowering you to be just like them...and nothing more.  The Emperor dares you to tell them, 'they are naked'.  They are naked because they are not clothed in respect of person; or at the very least, respect for themselves.  Naked, because they wear titles that are ill-fitting, cumbersome, and without true purpose.  Far worse than an Emperor who has lost credibility within the kingdom, is the Emperor who never had it.  I get that.  TheszEyz - 1, Emperor - 0.

Last week, I fought the monster, the fear that immobilizes, and the Emperor.  The view from here says that I won.  I am not a champion at the demise of another; I am a champion because I refuse to be diminished by anything, or anyone, set to undermine who I am.  In my rearview mirror, as I drive on down the road, are people that I have grown to love, respect and cherish.  Because of  those very important attributes, they are never out of reach.  I believe there is blessed purpose in all things, and the purpose to know such has been fulfilled.

What would I do if I were not afraid?  Watch me...I do it everyday!

When The Rain Washes You Clean....You'll Know

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat...drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...And what you had...And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say...women...they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean...you'll know
You'll know
Now here I go again,
I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and...
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat...drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
Oooh, what you lost
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Women...they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean...you'll know
Oh, thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say...women...they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean...you'll know
You'll know
You will know
Oh, you'll know