Haven't blogged since Mom passed, and I feel as though I could write a book, or three, just about the past almost 3 years. I tell myself that I've gone through the 5 stages of grief; and, on most days, I even believe that...until.Until you wake up one morning, facing a monster that, had the idea of your Mom being a phone call away been an option, you'd kick his ass....but you don't, and you may believe that you can't....until you remember what she taught you about fighting monsters. Theszeyz - 1, Monster - 0
Until you are faced with a fear that threatens to choke the ever-loving peace from your life. A fear of losing, or having to give back that which couldn't possibly be yours. It's not yours because it is robbing you of every good thing you know about yourself, real or sought-after. It's not yours because, as faithful as you are, you understand that a Sovereign God only gives what is best for you; and try as you might, if it's not working out, it's not best for you. Until you realize that your fear, while choking you, is building a monster....whose ass you'll have to kick down the road, you'll suffer. Until you answer the question, 'what would you do if you were not afraid?' TheszEyz - 1, Fear - 0
What I've learned at 50 is that, I will start over. I will start over before I allow anyone to steal my happiness; before they can rule me with the power of fear. Fear is a terrible ruler, and not one thing, including the intangible, is worthy of being led by it.
For the past six months, I lived in fear. Fear of my own well-being. As if, people, places or things made my decisions, and I was merely the puppet following them. No one who knows me, dead or alive, would think that I could handle six months of that; but somewhere, between the life and death of my Mother, I softened in places where remaining hard was the call. Some may call it humility of spirit, the virtue of patience, or empty hope; yet, by all considerations, to me, it was fear. Here I stood, allowing someone to speak to me as if I were a child; something, even my Mother refrained from, prior to age 21. I had proven myself an adult, and she respected me as such. Here I stood, allowing someone to diminish my knowledge, my common sense, and the wherewithal to know that I could do better....I must do better. Here I stood, everyday, for six months, trying to prove myself over and over again, to people who held such little respect for me that, the only time they spoke to me, was to bring negative news. What the what???!!!
Oh, but one day, you get your dithers about you, and you realize that, these same people are dealing with you from the substance of their own fears. They're empowering you to be just like them...and nothing more. The Emperor dares you to tell them, 'they are naked'. They are naked because they are not clothed in respect of person; or at the very least, respect for themselves. Naked, because they wear titles that are ill-fitting, cumbersome, and without true purpose. Far worse than an Emperor who has lost credibility within the kingdom, is the Emperor who never had it. I get that. TheszEyz - 1, Emperor - 0.
Last week, I fought the monster, the fear that immobilizes, and the Emperor. The view from here says that I won. I am not a champion at the demise of another; I am a champion because I refuse to be diminished by anything, or anyone, set to undermine who I am. In my rearview mirror, as I drive on down the road, are people that I have grown to love, respect and cherish. Because of those very important attributes, they are never out of reach. I believe there is blessed purpose in all things, and the purpose to know such has been fulfilled.
What would I do if I were not afraid? Watch me...I do it everyday!
